Silent Whispers

Chasing Illusionary Butterflies!

Archive for August, 2011

Living the Lie

Posted by Mrityunjay on August 27, 2011

How do you know where the alphabets are? Perhaps you are aware of the story unfolding through your life but will it be relevant or worthwhile if you are still not sure about the words, sentences, language and most importantly, alphabets? A story of your life is more like a continuation of indelible fingerprints of your past. The past, that I thought I had left behind, buried in the earth, in my conscience but past always has this nasty habit of surprising you every now and then.

Clearly, I am ranting. Not even making sense. But do we really need to make sense all the time? Logic by interpretation can be as flawed or as perfect as you want to make of it. The problem with our lives is that, we tend to rely on another’s meanings of our individual lives. Call it fantasy or a figment of reality created by our own fantasies which just about manages to make our lives more livable by the sheer virtue of it being meaningless.

We are at crossroads. In an era of mix-n-match where reality and virtual, original and duplicate, truth and lies etc tend to overlap each other. Every new discovery highlighted in the science section of the newspaper is contradicted with a contrasting revelation next day in the same space. Then, are we really what we assume us to be or is it merely an extension of what we have portrayed ourselves to everyone around us? Think hard. Keep pondering. Let me know if you find an answer or did you just switch the mental channel? It’s hard to find answer when we know, we see what we want to see or what we are conditioned to see.

In the ongoing chaos, life that is, it is not really uncommon to run out of things to say to everyone. In the same vein, it does not take long to miss your inner voice and kindness that you usually used to offer all and sundry. When did the transformation take place? Was it intentional or nature’s way to cure us of our own imperfections and vile? Withering of virtues like love, integrity, trust, empathy etc in this season of discontent was natural progression of increasing restlessness. These virtues become mere words which you are no longer able to connect to. It is a futile attempt to disengage with the detachment that has slowly engulfed your existence. One can still feel the feelings or mull over emotions as he/she used to do few winters earlier but connection is lost now. If this is what has started to define you then what is actually you & what is me?

The crux of the problem is internal. No matter what you do on external, it can’t be fixed. Hatter does not offer any tricks here. Neither fighting your way to catharsis ala Tyler Durden will cure the restlessness and this constant buzzing of lump at your core. It’s painful when people, family no longer trust you but it’s simply unbearable when you don’t trust yourself any more. What more, you tend to dive deep in the abyss of withdrawal hastened by emotional disconnect. The cacophony of the world gives way to complete silence. Eerily quiet. You tend to feel even more scared. Even the Neo Andersons of the world cannot solve life’s rubric cube all the time. Yes, it’s mundane stuff but does knowing its mundane attribute stop us from having a two-sided conversation where there is only one person involved?

You know, we all feel guilty. Rather, we all are addicted to guilt for everything and anything. So what you want to do about it? There is no answer as far as I know even if you remove the whys and wherefores from the discussion. It’s almost like an onion where you peel one layer after another, you keep shedding tears and yet the unraveling of innermost layer will not be much different from the outermost one. Perhaps, we should apply different perspective by measuring relative worth and value of the layers. Oh!

Value system is a skewed thing. You were taught about it. Preached about its importance and yet you cannot find/develop a perfect value system. Instead, your values oriented conscience coerces you to make up for the flaws and unfairness of a million things in the world. Same loop of errors. We can always look at what is yours and what is that of others we were dealing with, but ‘what is mine’ will always draw a blank stare. A disaster awaits at every nook and corner when you are too much focused on value system.

With increasing age, it gets real tiresome to be in constant conflict with surroundings of the world. Imagine the trouble of moving along barbed wires on all sides while scraping your soul in search of peace and contentment! It’s no longer fun to ride this rage-enjoyment-obnoxious cycle. Most of our problems stem from the gap between ‘is’ and ‘could have been’. It is also the cornerstone of who and what we are. Not all of us want to be something or someone by reducing this gap between ‘is’ and ‘could have been’. And that’s especially true for creative people who usually tend to face the worst and feel the worst amidst the standard hegemony of mediocre souls.

I guess, ranting does liberate you a bit. Noting more than that. Ranting, raving and screaming for a greater cause, for an ideal goal, for a wonderful vision is actually a mirage. There is no goal. And world will not be affected even one bit whether you find your mission or not. It’s a sign of delusion to impose self-supremacy on your being. A far more feasible idea would be to try being a normal, ordinary and decent human being. The emotional cycle will keep running in the same fashion and yet life will remain unaffected. Let’s go back to circles. Let’s live the lie.

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Connecting the Dots

Posted by Mrityunjay on August 11, 2011

Words are easy and comfortable. If they were not, Boyzone would not have found such stupendous acceptance with “words are all I have to take your heart away”. But in the quagmire of modern communication, words also regress to the lowest common denominator. Usage of words differs from person to person. If I talk specifically about myself, words serve as a tool to indicate my external needs. At one point in my life, I used to indulge in rambling ragas but now a day, I don’t feel like saying much and whenever I do, words never seem adequate.

Life seems much more comfortable when you are cocooned in your own bubble. This is no ordinary bubble. It’s a magical one hiding customized thoughts about things I have done, things that I want to do and things that have gone right and things that have gone wrong. Past eight months have witnessed a little bit of everything but mostly as afterthoughts. In the process, you do come up with plenty of revelations. But like everything, revelations cost you. It could be despair, darkness and brutality of factual and perceived reality. Talking about reality is one thing and accepting it is a completely different ballgame altogether. Like Alice swirling into a vortex, you too, also find it hard to see any light. You hope for the gravitational pull to work against the overwhelming despair you keep encountering but life does not offer you answers for each and every thing.

Life is a motion in perpetuity but not all of us have the will to attempt any sort of motion, all the time. Finding a path is probably easier in a Norman Vincent Peale’s book but what do you do when you are lost in a maze, unable to find the path- the existence of which you are aware of but you simply can’t find it?  Things get trickier when you recollect from your memories that a path was used to be there somewhere but is not visible to your eyes.

Most of us seek alignment in life. We like things to be in order. In place. Just a few days back, you have cleaned the top shelf of your drawer and this morning, you find a fine layer of grey dust on it. What now? Go through the same rigmarole? See, alignment was disturbed all over again. You start losing your urge. Inner mooring goes for a toss. You go through the process of rinse-repeat so many times that you are no longer aware of your own feelings about the entire process. What, how and why of the feelings get back to that swirling in the vortex stage.

You call yourself a weirdo or a reincarnation of your own dormant desires.  But it wouldn’t help either. Then comes the question, ‘What do you want to do with your life’. I am no Zig Zigler.  So I wouldn’t be able to answer that. Also because, such answers are conditional to your own expectations and the expectations of others, which doesn’t help either. I would have tried forcing a philosophical angle to that but for the fact that, it is an absurd ritual to find your own importance and place in life. You keep experiencing a new layer of your hidden persona, your buried perspectives and skewed value system every day until you become a permanent slave to the flaws and unfairness of a zillion things in the world. Perhaps, I am still learning about the mysterious ways of life however, learning seems much better in retrospect than in real time. Intent and outcomes need not work in sync. Connecting the dots of our life is more of a fantasy and that is what existence is all about.

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