Eternal Dilemma of Mood-Swing

These days I find myself prone to unpleasant outbursts and excessive mood swings. So what’s new in that? Right? Well, yeah! ;P I think I have used the word ‘mood swing’ more than any other word ever used by me. Perhaps, without me even realizing it I have this word and feeling such stratospheric importance that now it’s out of my control. From what was used to be a simple problem has turned into a bundle of several other things. ‘Excuse’, ‘escape route’, ‘hurting methodology’ and so many other things have found themselves manifested in a single phrase of ‘I have mood swing problem’. Well how long Mr. M? Every once in a while I feel like working on it and improving my otherwise normal ‘cheerful disposition’ towards life. But soon complacency creeps in and my efforts fall flat on its face. Long live my mood swing!

The worst part about this particular situation is it affects others as well. How hard I try not to involve my loved ones in this self-created mess, yet I end up making them a part of it. I totally despise it. How would others know that the gut we were talking to few hours ago has suddenly ventured into this non-communicative zone? It would amount to having too much of expectations from mortals. Sometimes, I try to keep myself at others’ place and think about how I would react. Well, I don’t think the answer I discovered pleased me.

What baffles me even more is as such no actual event transpires between M of one hour before (when I was all hunky-dory) and M of right now (when I find myself pissed at bloody everything)! It’s just my thought process that needs to be blamed. In one hour everything starts looking bleak and irritating. And if my thought process tends to go haywire then it’s my mind’s job to control it and I am afraid to admit I feel far too lazy to instruct my mind. It also implies that I am not in charge of my mind and that’s not exactly a ‘feel-good’ realization. Adding salt to the wound, I even plan the way out of it and yet there is an eternal gap between planning and execution steps. I be damned for seeking others’ inputs in this aspect because as far as emotional and mental sides of my personality is concerned I was always far too upright to stand in a recipient zone. Well, to sum up nothing as such drastic is required. All I need to do is just to ‘tighten few screws’ and that will lead me to steal few more moments to cheer every small thing in life.

Birthday Celebration

It was A’s birthday on 7^Th. So, me, S, P and A celebrated the day in our own mostly predictable way. Well, as usual the trend of gifting on someone’s birthday has long disappeared. And best part was it was a dry day so you know the kind of problems we were supposed to face. But thanks to birthday boy himself, we did manage to poison ourselves. Add to the problem, the religious notion attached with ‘Tuesday’ by so many of so called progressive youths of India. I wonder what’s wrong with people vowing not to have any non-veg items on Tuesday or Thursday or Saturday. As if God keeps his eyes shut on rest of the days when you munch on innocent but delicious meat of animals but on these particular days he suddenly opens up his eyes and asks you to refrain from such inhumane activities. Well, so much for religion and beliefs!

 

Presence of S just changes the entire atmosphere of the party. No doubt he is motor mouth but that, Infact adds to the overall ambience. And his culinary skills, well, what more can I say? He is a wonderful cook. He adds style, grace and enthusiasm to the whole cooking process. His prepared chicken item was a new thing to me and I totally relished it. Overall, with light music running in the background, dim lights and bursts of laughter, I could not have asked for more!

 

Happy Birthday darling! May you have every good thing in your lap. Yu have waited for far too long and yet you have continued to maintain the dignity without ever showcasing any signs of desperation and anxiety! I salute this quality of yours. Trust me; you are going to get your due in a big way! Amen! J

After-effects of Anger!

Ever thought what anger does to you? I don’t expect any revelation of profound wisdom but yet would love to mention one thing! It ‘alienates’ people. And people as in not those 6-7 billion strangers but just few chosen ones that are supposed to be your closest ones. How dare we express our anger at those strangers because first, we know we are scared of unfavorable reaction and second, this let-out may lead to something far more destructive than colossal after-effects of anger! The fact that, if we shout and scream at our closes ones, they won’t shut us out from their lives. They will soon forgive us, forget the incident and will continue loving as it was before! No enlightening testaments!

But do we, especially I realize my anger does much more than what I have told above? It gives me a feeling of déjà vu every time because its an indication of me taking all those lovely people for granted and that too, with alarming regularity. I keep hurting them and then I keep expecting them to come back to me because they should realize that I am precious! What a fallacy! I was terribly upset today. Frustrated? Oh, yes! That too!

And that led me to blast few people who have loved me the most. In the same context, i feel having a clear conscience is a far greater sin than not having one at all. Either you can be happy or sad. Either you can rejoice your mistakes and don’t feel any remorse about whatever dastardly things committed by you! But conscience is a tricky concept. It does not let you celebrate your mistakes. It should have been a fair game. You hurt someone and for that your anger must feel happy because it fulfilled its purpose. Yet, you are devoided of any guilty pleasure and all you are left with is ‘I should not have said that/done that’ etc etc kind of feelings! How unfair! I go through same routine every once in a while. I used to think I have acquired the needed control over it but I was mistaken. I again did the crime that I have been doing for several years. I am not getting any younger. My inner self is getting hard as wood. Changing my particular traits are going to be extremely difficult as I grow older. Today was a good reminder! Hope I learn these much needed skills!

First Whisper!

It has been a worthwhile journey. Life, in general has proved to be a sweet-sour mixture of numerous experinces. I often wonder, had i been given a chance to live my 27 years all over again, would i live it differently? How hard i try to say yes (because that would probably fit in the personality measurement tests), I would be dishonest to say so! Yes, few here and there phenomenon but rest of it has been truly blissfull! Given a choice, though i am certain i will never trade few things like relationships or mumble-jumble of emotions. From a fragile infant to a robust and tough individual it has remained a journey worth living again. They say, life is too short to write negative stuff about people i have come across but I would much rather differ! Lets not suger-coat even the bitter experiences! That would tantamount to being dishonest and to some extent, cowardice! The surge of our emotions manifests itself in varied statements made by us over a period of time!

Paulo Coelho in Brida says, blessed are those who manage to find one goal and pursue it relentlessly. Whereas what i have experienced is that i have almost always managed to find a goal only to see it changed next morning! So what happened? Did i wake up from the wrong side of the bed for days after days? May be but may be not! Perhaps, the only plausible explanation is that my dreams are not subject to suffocating discipline or shrinking regularity! The desires have got wings and to keep those beautiful wings confined to one’s idealism and world’s instruction would be nothing less than a crime! Thankfully, I did not commit the crime! I chose to retain my innocence!